-to be read with the Gossip Girl inflection-
Hey, Upper East Siders. Gossip Wench here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s Elite. A little birdie told me that a reboot of our very own Gossip Girl is underway. We heard Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf made peace in the kingdom, long enough to agree they want to reboot the series. It turns out Chuck and Dan are hesitant to join the party — Chuck because his repeated appearance as a rapist will probably tank viewership, and Dan because ever since he did that Serena-to-the-nth-degree film, he think’s he’s too good for everything. Nathaniel Archibald has no opinion — he states, “It could go either way, and I’d be fine.” — in true Nate Archibald fashion, and Lil J is done with acting forever. Who hurt you Lil J? And will the boys make nice and treat us to the correction of many of the show’s cultural wrongs? I’m at the edge of my seat.
If they do end up rebooting, your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite — yours truly — has a few suggestions:
-switch from Gossip Girl inflection to normal B voice-
-wipes sweat from brow- Damn, that was exhausting.
I mean, obviously. He literally assaulted two women in the first episode, who all end up becoming distantly related to them via marriage. Then there was that entire episode where Chuck admits to having assaulted women at his father’s hotel, “but I couldn’t do that to you, Blair, I’m a changed man,” claiming that he is now completely unable to assault women because he’s betrothed to Blair. Damn, what the fuck, CW!? What did y’all let me watch as an impressionable teen!?
Should be replaced with: problematic Bernie bro on the mend, constantly reading up on intersectional news to stay afloat and use his powers for good.
Blair Waldorf constantly threatening to call the INS/ICE on Dorota
Blair’s borderline verbally abusive witty banter with her maid, Dorota, is the exact shit we’re trying to step away from, fam. The first strike here is that millennial rich people don’t like to look rich anymore. They would send their Dorota to line up for a t-shirt at Supreme, slather Glossier Boy Brow on their thousand-dollar-serum-infused faces to pose for a fresh-faced selfie, then ask Dorota to help arrange a lived-in backdrop in the mansion for the gram. The second and more obvious strike is that Gossip Girl’s fans GREW UP to understand that threatening the help with oppressive immigration laws has never been cool!
Should be replaced with: Georgina tricks Blair into getting on an economy flight to an ICE Detention Center, where Blair is forced to use her scheming and mystery-solving skills to reunite detained children with their parents.
The entire Constance hierarchy
In a world where white supremacist parents parade their bullied child and scam $55k from unsuspecting anti-bullying patrons on social media, all the fucked up shit that happened at Constance wouldn’t fly!!! Distracting Nelly Yuki with the planned return of her ex-boyfriend so she does poorly on the SATs, blackmailing a schoolteacher, throwing Nair at an enemy’s hair — all this shit can’t possibly have aged well.
Should be replaced with: All the Constance Girls having an epic Apology/Trust Fall Conference a la Mean Girls. When it’s Juliet’s turn, Vanessa yells, “She doesn’t even go here!!!” Blair spots Vanessa and yells, “You don’t even go here, GO BACK TO THE COMMUNE, VANESSA!”
Dan Humphrey’s success as a writer
On Dan’s first day at NYU, one of his classmates recognized him as one of the writers who was selected for New Yorker’s 20 under 20. *chuckles for 10 minutes* ...yeah, let me tell you why that isn’t possible. First, anyone featured in the New Yorker is drawn as a little icon. Y’all are telling me that a random girl recognized Dan from a drawing in a magazine you’re behind on the day that you start the subscription!?!??! She wouldn’t have read that issue for YEARS. Second, if you were a publisher and all you read on this writer’s resume is “wrote a gossip website specifically for my high school,” would you give this kid a chance!?
Should be replaced with: Dan struggling as a writer, but killing it in real estate after he learns that Williamsburg is basically Manhattan.
Serena van der Woodsen apologizing for partying too hard.
Honestly, Serena’s life would have made for a lot of great Instagram content. Rather than feeling completely lost and jumping into every career opportunity trying to hide her rich-girl background, she would just revel in that shit.
Should be replaced with: Serena landing a book deal, which ultimately leads to her and Dan’s divorce, because Dan can’t handle his wife being a more successful writer than him. The book deal is made possible by Serena’s 900k loyal followers on Instagram. She might also start a less popular version of Goop, tbh. Her blog on The Spectator did well.
Nate Archibald being the sensitive, riches-to-rags male escort.
Ok, out of all the plot lines I’ve described, Nate Archibald becoming a male escort after his family is bankrupted by his fraudulent father is the only plot line that seems to fall in line with what really happens to rich people. But let’s face it, Nate would just ask Serena to promote his crowdfunding campaign called, “All Lives Matter” — the Fyre Festival of educational, entry-level, Caucasian activist campaigns.
Should be replaced with: Nate traveling the world with Carter Baizen. While he’s off the grid and away from Gossip Girl sources, Nate discovers he is bisexual when he drunkenly hooks up with Carter Baizen. They break it off before Carter Baizen becomes heavily involved in planning The Fyre Festival.
Jenny Humphrey’s line failing
The guerilla marketing campaign she and Agnes came up with to get investors for their line should have worked in the original remake!! Why did they need to do Jenny Humphrey so dirty!? With her connections and bravado, Jenny Humphrey can do anything. I stan.
Should be replaced with: Jenny hires Serena as an influencer, ensuring that thousands of people are on the waitlist to shop her line, which will have a charitable gimmick attached to it. Something along the lines of, “For every pair of jeans purchased, we will donate a second pair to a construction worker, paving the streets of New York. They were major #inspo for our line.”
Blair Waldorf culturally appropriating Native Americans
Blair uses this set to seduce Chuck, which is like… 1) Who decided that Native American clothing was sexy!? Is it sexy to rape and pillage masses of people for the sake of land-grabbing!? The fuck!? 2) Someone on the costumes team needed to get fired that day!
Should be replaced with: Blair dressing up as Christina Aguilera from the Dirrty video and learning the choreography all to seduce Chuck. Serena then posts a side-by-side of Kylie as Xtina and Blair as Xtina and says “Who did it better? *eyes emoji*” which causes a lot of drama with Blair. Fuck it, every dramatic plot twist on the reboot of the show will be caused by Serena’s influencer status and IG feed.
Rufus Humphrey denying Lily’s financial help
I’m sorry, Rufus owns a gallery/coffee shop and a three-bedroom Loft in Dumbo? He needs those coins, sweetie. He has at least 6000+ sq ft more than the average Brooklyn resident, which means there’s no way he could have funded all of that with the three paintings he sold each month at his gallery.
Should be replaced with: Rufus actually doing the legwork for Nate’s “All Lives Matter” crowdfunding, then being crushed by the weight of the world when he finds out the crowdfunding campaign is merely a scam.
Gossip Girl being the one and only source of Manhattan’s Elite.
For obvious reasons. Social media, instagram stories beating Gossip Girl to the punch, a general change of atmosphere surrounding authenticity, multiple PR tips to spin scandals, general disregard for bullying and stalking people… you know, the usual.
Should be replaced with: Gossip Girl doing a collaboration with Alexa, so that you can hear all of her responses in the classic Gossip Girl inflection.
Whether or not the reboot happens, we hope shows for teens aren’t this problematic anymore. -wipes sweat off brow again-