How to Spend an Imaginary Two Million Dollars

Somewhere between growing up in a third world country watching MTV Cribs and attending an elitist art school with white kids who grew up in America’s richest zip codes, I pronounced myself Bad & Bourgie before Migos 86’d the term’s formal spelling. I once spent 30 minutes on the phone with my best friend explaining why Knoll is allowed to charge $5,000 for Mies van der Rohe’s Barcelona Chair. My favorite pastime is making furniture mood boards for French apartment listings on Sotheby’s. (Am I a masochist for looking at million-dollar listings when I can barely make rent?)

My 2019 New Years Resolution includes exacting an Andrea Long Chu-level of criticism on my own capitalist ways, but until then, I proudly present: a glimpse at my wishlist filled with unnecessary luxuries. Because you gotta be ready to spend your ducats wisely when that imaginary fortune comes through.

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Image by Le Labo

Image by Le Labo

Santal 26 Concrete Candle by Le Labo; $460

-in Ariana Grande voice- I’m so fucking grateful for my ROOMIE, Allison, for talking me down multiple times from many serious attempts to buy this candle and many more unnecessarily expensive home goods. Does anyone need this candle? Absolutely not. Does the fact that I don’t need it make me want it more? Abso-fuckin-lutely.


Image by Audemars Piguet

Image by Audemars Piguet

Diamond Outrage Watch by Audemars Piguet, $1.25M

You know you’re deep into some rich people shit when their website lists contact information rather than a price. Forbes estimates this watch to be $1.25 MILLION DOLLARS!! Million!!!! If it’s good enough for Serena Williams to wear to the Met Ball, it’s good enough for me.


Image by Herb Co

Image by Herb Co

A Pound of Loud Dream, $12,800

Rumored to sell at $800 an ounce on the black market (which, when you’re swimming in money, probably won’t be that hard to access), why wouldn’t you invite your closest friends over for an epic stoner sleepover? You probably won’t need a whole pound of this 26% THC strain, but show that shit off anyway, boo. You earned it.


Image by Byredo

Image by Byredo

Hand Cream Squeezer by Byredo, $330

You know that feeling when you read an astrology meme by @notallgeminis and you’ve been insulted to your very core, but for the first time you actually feel wholly seen as a human being? That’s how I felt when I first laid eyes on this $330 Marble Hand Cream Squeezer. She’s understated, somewhat useful, absurdly luxurious.


Image by GrubStreet

Image by GrubStreet

Image by Cole Saladino

Image by Cole Saladino

Dinner at The Beatrice Inn

Maybe I’m biased because I share a name with the restaurant, or because I think Chef Angie Mar is a meat genius & badass boss babe, and I would literally pay to drink her dirty dish water. But once you upgrade your peking duck to this dry-aged, cherry-smoked, crispy skin concoction; once you sink your teeth into Lobster St. Jacques so buttery it makes your blood pressure rise; once the crisp pastry of any of Chef Angie’s meat pies awakens every corner of your soul; there’s no turning back.


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Guinevere Rug by Kyle Bunting, $8,348

I’m not even gonna pretend I’m cool enough to have found this rug on my own. I googled “patchwork leather rug” the minute pre-lip-filler Kendall and Kylie spilled spaghetti sauce on Kris Jenner’s rug and rented an industrial carpet cleaner to fix it on KUWTK. I’d be pissed, too, if someone spilled spaghetti sauce on a rug important enough to have its own name.


Image by Coming Soon

Image by Coming Soon

Cylinder Mirror by Bower (via Coming Soon) $1,710

The epitome of Big Fire Sign energy is buying a seventeen hundred dollar mirror, amirite!? Holy shit, I have never needed anything so badly in my entire life. ADD. TO. CART.


A Weeklong retreat at Amangiri

Here’s where y’all are supposed to ask, “But B, with millions of dollars, you can go anywhere in the world, but you want to go to… Utah?” Look folks, cliche instagram-worthy selfies with international monuments certainly gives you an air of affluence, but dropping $2-10k per night on a luxury suite in the middle of nowhere screams, “I ran out of toilet paper so I decided to wipe my asshole with a Benjamin this morning.” The desert is supposed to have some life-changing spiritual qualities on its own, but I’m pretty sure this is the only way to experience it. Architecture built around nature, rather than disruptive of it; private pools, open air rooms and luxurious amenities — Amangiri is the only glamping trip I’m trying to take to Utah.

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All images by Amangiri

All images by Amangiri


Hope you throw ya girl a finder’s fee when you spend that two mil, or at least take me to Amangiri with you.

xo, B