Here at 2GIRLS1COVEN, we know that late capitalism is in direct opposition to feminist goals, but damnit if we don’t love a good deal. So we are rounding up some of our favorite Black Friday sales because we know you’re not trying to stay post turkey nap at the Thanksgiving family function.
Keep your Cetaphil stanning bullshit away from my prestige skincare.
Last week when I had a little cash that wasn’t immediately given to my roommates for bills or my dealer for bud, I dropped a cool $80 on Fresh product while on a 30 min break from work. Imagine the damage I could have done with a whole Black Friday.
This year’s Fresh deals are all about rewarding you for spending, as if I needed incentive. Get $100 worth of product and they will give you a five piece gift! All of the pieces are sample size and I’m not sure how to spend $100 at Fresh without buying that Soy Face Cleanser, but YOHYSO (you only have young skin once).
How much of my money have I spent on Fresh product?
The candle version of weird flex, but ok.
Ah Diptyque, the gold standard candle for every Instagram influencer. The Parisian brand is taking part in the very American holiday of Black Friday for the first time this year, but I don’t think they understand the reason for the season. Or they do and are just trolling us.
Diptyque’s Black Friday “deal” is a rebranded version of a candle sold at a Diptyque discount, meaning it still looks like full price for all you regular hoes. They have other options like limited edition holiday scents and an advent calendar that will run you a cool $425.
Manifesting $$ so I will be able to afford to buy Diptique by next Black Friday.
Cheat hangovers, anxiety, and death!
I have a new interested in nootropics (a juiced-up, probably fake science version of vitamins for your brain) after I dodged a hangover the other day by taking a cocktail of 3 ibuprofens, 1 bladder health supplement from my last UTI, and an Allegra-D. Imagine the kind of self-destructive ill I could avoid with an optimized medicine cabinet!
I’m looking to step up my biohacking ways to include all of the anti-anxiety supplements from PowderCity.com. The site is, unfortunately, not selling any bathroom stall kind of powders but does seem to be the authority on all things nootropics. The site has deals for which you can use the following codes TURKEY10, GRAVY15, STUFFING20 and another tier of discounts if you have bitcoin. (If you have bitcoin though, please do not talk to me about it. I get that all money is arbitrary, but my bank has repeatedly told me not to invest the remaining $35 in my checking account into bitcoin, ok?)
I might make a Reddit account with the handle STUFFING20 just to take part in r/Nootropics. I just want to know how the tech bros plan to live forever so I can jump on the wagon in time to also live forever out of spite.
Vibes from Babeland
If you don’t have a vibrator in 2018, are you also sexually repressed?
The queens from Babeland who brought you Broad City branded sex toys are 1000% here for your Black Friday needs. Spend $69 and they will give you a waterproof mini vibe! Spend $100 and they will take a whole $20 off! Buy that vibrating cock ring and geode dildo! You deserve!!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some research and test driving to do.
Happy Black Friday from our household navigating the nuances of commerce and feminism to yours!